Along with my usual reading material, lately I have been reading essays, poems, and short stories that my Papa would recite to me growing up, and delving into the works of classic authors. I suppose this is because we are inching closer to the date that my Papa passed away last year. Reading many of the poems that he would recite to me from memory has inspired me to remember, celebrate, and write about his life, what it meant to me, and how it has spurred change.
As I have dealt with the grief of losing my greatest and biggest fan this past year, I have come to truly appreciate everything that his beautiful life has provided me with. My Papa was like no other person I have ever met. He could speak in rhyme without skipping a beat, could sing to your heart like a deep dream brings peace, could make the darkest soul laugh with the greatest of ease, could paint a picture that you would want to jump right into, could memorize something after reading it once and recite it back with more power and intensity than I believe it was written with, and could inspire the most creative and inspired spirit to strive for more as he could create anything out of everything. In my eyes his life was a collection of great works of art. Spoken, musical, painted, and constructed or sculpted pieces of artwork.
While finding and reading the work recited by my Papa for 24 years (of my life anyway), I came across an essay written by Virginia Woolf that is beautiful, and so true in my eyes, that I just had to share it.
"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. On one side all is correct, definite, orderly; the paths are straight, the trees regular, the sun shaded; escorted by gentlemen, protected by policemen, wedded and buried by clergymen, she has only to walk demurely from cradle to grave and no one will touch a hair of her head. But on the other side all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course. The paths wind between bogs and precipices; the trees roar and rock and fall in ruin."
Virginia Woolf, 'Harriette Wilson', Collected Essays.
This struck a chord with me specifically because I feel as though for the vast majority of my life I was on the "correct, definite, orderly" side of the sword. I was comfortable on that side with my straight paths, my policemen, and all of the hairs on my head left untouched. Then my "orderly" life was pulled out from under me at the roots with the end of an almost 6 year relationship, quickly followed by the death of my role model and great friend. I had a choice to try to clamber up the slippery slope of my deteriorating "orderly" life, or to throw my arms up and leave it behind. Build new windy and organic paths with many inclines and declines, bumps and sink holes, rays of sunshine and flowery borders.
Building new paths would mean stepping away from the 'demure walk from cradle to grave', that promised security, happiness (to which I now realize would have hit its limit), and certainty, to the "dark" side full of confusion, smelly bogs, steep cliff faces, and crazy ass trees. I now see my choice as brave, as I am faced with constant change, confusion, uncertainty, and insecurity, which for many people including myself can be very daunting at times. All of this however, I see mostly as a great adventure. The greatest adventure of my life perhaps, and as scary as this side of the sword seems at times when I step back and look at myself, I realize that this is how my life is meant to be lived. I was never meant to live the "safe", or "correct" life, it just wasn't in my heart and soul. I was living that life because I thought that’s what was expected of me, and in no way do I regret it, I just know now that it is not for me.
I know my Papa would be proud of me for living the life that he knew I would thrive at and find my true happiness in. So despite the falling rocks and steep rock ledges, the quick sand and wetland areas I find myself in at times, I am so fortunate to have realized so early in life that a life of confusion and uncertainty can be beautiful and is beautiful in every way.
So thank you for showing me how, and allowing me to live my life the way that it was intended. I know you would love to be here to have the tables turned, and have me telling you stories of adventure, love, laughs, and life. I suppose this way you can watch it all unfold.
I love you beyond words
xoxo
Meagan Mac-Ash Pash
