Is it the people who love us? The people we love? Is it the wisdom we impart to the world? Our achievements? Our dreams? Is it the career we choose? The career that chooses us? Is it how productive we are with our time? Or the skills we hone?
For my whole life I have been on a quest to be better. Not better than the girl sitting next to me in math class. Not better than my coworkers. Not better than my best friend or sister. Just a better me.
Recently I followed suit with my blogging sisters Mary and Sarah, and made my life list public. Number 58 was "Never stop working on personal development, there is always more to learn about myself, people, and the world".
This will continue to be a goal of mine, but I want and need to make a shift in my way of thinking with regards to personal development.
Some days I accept myself for me, I don't make apologies for being the person I am, and I don't punish myself for having an unfinished To Do List at the end of my day. I go to bed content with how I spent my time (for the most part anyway), and set out goals for myself for the new day ahead.
Some days I mentally beat the living shit out of myself, apologize left right and centre for being me, and feel guilt and shame for having an unfinished To Do List at the end of my day. I punish myself by telling myself that I am not worthy of happiness because of any number of silly reasons. This MUST stop. It is not an option. It is a requirement.
The fact is that I am worthy of happiness. Everyone is. And I am no exception to that. Even if I don't check every box off my To Do List. Even if there isn't a loving partner in my life. Even if I have a giant pimple of the tip of my nose. Even if I have a lazy day every once in a while.
Personal development should be a positive journey, not one where I put myself down, and beat myself up at every pot hole in the road. I need to shift my thinking to be capable of saying "of course I'm not supermodel good looking, so what if I slept in a bit this morning, who cares that I don't have a man in my life, of course I'm not Suzie Sunshine ALL the time, so what if I didn't tick every To Do box today, and who cares if I wear my heart on my sleeve and have cried in a supermarket, none of that alters the concrete fact that I am worthy of happiness, love, kindness and whatever else my heart desires".
So this is the end of my self-loathing, self-hating, self-dissing. And it is the beginning of my self-kindness. Of course this will waver at times, but I am going to commit myself to one act of self-kindness each and every day, and soon enough it will become as natural as cherry blossoms in Korea blooming in April. Beautiful.
"The feral woman is a woman making her way back. She is learning to wake up, pay attention, stop being naïve, uninformed. She takes her life in her own hands. To re-learn the deep feminine instincts, it is vital to see how they were decommissioned to begin with." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes
