Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 8 of 20

I'm back!

I was hoping to be able to say I'm back, rejuvenated, relaxed, and ready to conquer all...however I am still exhausted.  I had an excellent week off.  The perfect mix of relaxation and fun.  The first week back to work was stressful, hectic, and a little crazy, therefore I am once again exhausted.  

This weekend I wanted to try to alleviate some of that stress and exhaustion so I decided to take a Meaggy weekend.  I could have gone to Seoul to visit friends, partied all night in Daejeon, gone hiking in 40 degree weather, but I decided to just take it easy, spend the weekend completely alone, try to remove things from my massive and continually growing to do list, and rejuvenate again.  

So here I am.  I'm sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Daejeon.  On the second floor, offering views of people bustling around below, with a floor to ceiling window.  I've just had a waffle for lunch with fruit and gelato.  I plan to spend my day like this.  Cafe jumping.  Escaping the heinous humidity that the Korean summer brings.  Reading, writing, taking photos, and applying to grad schools.  

This weekend brought something I love about myself to the forefront.  I love that I am a strong, independent young woman.

This is not something I have always considered myself.  Perhaps because I wasn't always independent, I don't know, but I do know one reason for me not considering this a quality I possessed...people have always labelled me as dependent.  I can definitely see why people would see me as such.  

The thing I have realized is that so many things that shouldn't be viewed as negative qualities in people often are.  Think about the word selfish.  Being concerned solely with yourself without regard for others.  This of course sounds negative and is in many cases, but why does putting your own wellbeing first label you as selfish in a negative way.  When I decided to leave Canada and live in South Korea for a year of course my family wasn't overjoyed at the idea.  My family said they needed me, my support, my presence.  I said I needed to get away for a while for my own survival.  Does this make me selfish?  I mean I was concerned mostly with myself, and of course I considered my family's wishes, but I left anyway.  So by definition people would likely call me selfish (and have done so), but when does an individuals needs come into play in this equation?

My point in saying that is that people perceive certain qualities as negative, when they ought to be analyzed more thoroughly.  This brought me to understand why people might see me as dependent (yet again another negative quality).  I am very expressive of my emotions.  I tell people when they have hurt me.  I show that I'm angry, sad, stressed, happy, excited.  I am open about all of my emotions.  I'm an open book.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I like to talk to friends and family about my problems.  I cry on shoulders.  I vent.  And because of all of these things I am seen as weak and dependent on others for emotional support.  

I feel as though showing my emotions, expressing myself, and being an open book makes me courageous as opposed to weak.  I consider those who never let others in to be more weak than the former.  They pretend to be something other then themselves to mask pain, hide emotions.  They never ask for help, but rather suffer in silence.  They consider themselves strong and independent for this.  I'm not about to say that's not true, as there certainly can be strength found in those qualities, but I certainly can't understand why those people see a person with the courage to put it all out there as weak.  

The bottom line is that, yes, I like to have people in my life to lean on or cry on when I'm sad or angry, however there have been many instances where that hasn't been the case, and I'm still here right?  I'm still alive and kicking.  I didn't spontaneously combust from dealing with my emotions on my own.  I am perfectly capable of dealing with my emotions without help from others, it just so happens that I am strong enough to admit that if I have the option to have a shoulder from a loved one then I'll take it.  

So everyone, I am strong.  Strong and courageous.  I am independent.  And I love those qualities about myself.  Whether other people see me as those things or not, I know I am, and I love it!

Self-Kindness Sundays: Vacation

I clearly neglected to post anything for week 8, not because I've lost interest, not because I can't find anything else to love about myself, but because my energy and focus was elsewhere.  I simply didn't have the energy to do anything for myself.

This week is my vacation, and let me tell you it's a much needed one.  My nerves are shot, I'm irritable, and  the sticky, thick, wet heat is amplifying my worn out nerves and my irritability, so this vacation couldn't have come at a better time.  I am staying in Korea, to everyone surprise, but my reasoning is that in two months I will be embarking on a 6 months backpacking trip so I need to save my money.  Another reason is that Korea is beautiful and there is still so much I haven't explored here and would like to.  I know I can't do everything and see everything so I chose one group of islands in the south to explore for just a few days with my friend Ashley.  The rest of my week off is going towards cleaning my apartment, packing up things to send home, sleeping, sleeping, and relaxing in air conditioned coffee shops.  This is a blissful plan to me.

So I missed last week (week 8), and I'm going to take this week off as well (week 9).  I'll resume August 8th with week 8...and I didn't even plan the double 8 on purpose!

I will leave you with a beautiful image from the start of my vacation, a weekend away at the beach.

Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 7 of 20

This past weekend was awful.  Just awful.  It started out well, but ended very poorly.  So that's why I am late.  I'm late because I wasn't feeling particularly loving of myself.  All the love and caring in my body was going towards a remarkable friend and woman and a cuddly little monkey child.  When I thought "what do I love about myself?" the only answers that came up were unrelated to me as a person and really just turned into new questions.

Yesterday, however was my birthday.  I'm now OVER a quarter of a century.  It's scary and exciting.  But the best part of my birthday was that it made me realize something that I love about myself.

Some people take their lives very seriously.  Leave little time for their own enjoyment.  Don't allow themselves to stray from their responsibilities, or obligations.  They are hardened by the corporate world and the politics within.  Jaded by the loss of childhood dreams and beliefs.  Grasped far too strongly to the expectations put on them to grow up, mature, be responsible at all costs.

Some people take their lives very lightly.  Leave little time for their responsibilities and only focus on their own enjoyment.  Don't have obligations, or just don't see them as such.  They are oblivious to the corporate world and the harsh politics within.  Jaded by nothing.  Grasped far too strongly to the Peter Pan mantra from their childhood and live in their own personal Never Never Land.

Some people walk along the fence on the border of seriousness and childishness.  Leave a balanced proportion of time for both their own enjoyment and for their responsibilities.  Don't allow themselves to stray too far on either extreme, or allow themselves to do so on occasion.  They are hardened by the corporate world and the sticky politics within, yet seek an escape from it to maintain some semblance of a conflict free zone in their lives.  Jaded by the loss of some childhood dreams, yet remain certain that some will come true, and ultimately work toward their fulfillment.  Grasped far too strongly to the a perhaps unrealistic ideal of equality and peace, to the idea that nice people do finish first, that good actions receive good actions, that everything happens for a reason, the good things WILL come, all in an attempt to stop the inevitable insanity that would grab them if they let themselves admit that these ideals are not consistent, and do tend to be rare for many.

Of course I'm not saying those are the ONLY kinds of people in the world.  There are also lazy people that are neither serious nor childish because they just can't be assed.  There are pessimists and optimists.  There are do-gooders, and martyrs.  The list could be endless really, but for me in my current world, I see people as either too serious, too childish, or a fine balance of the two.  Actually maybe I need to add in also the lazy type as well.

On my birthday, my students sang happy birthday to me.  They gave me hugs and kisses.  They told me they love me.

I realized that I am a good Kinder teacher...and why?...because I'm still a child at heart.  I take my job seriously in terms of making sure I educate them appropriately, impart my knowledge (albeit limited), and they learn what they are meant to learn.  I do however do all of that with a fun-loving nature.  I dance and sing, make silly faces, act like farm animals and draw pictures all over the board until they understand and are laughing.  They love me because they can relate to me, or maybe more appropriately I can relate to them.

I'm trying to teach them that learning can be fun.  Give them a foundation to build upon and grow with.  Provide them with the motivation to learn all they can, and do so with laughter and enjoyment.

So week 7: I love that I am young at heart, a child when I can be...but still responsible and realistic about my obligations as a ...ahem...26 year old. There I said it!

My birthday was a good one.  Throughout the whole day I received messages via facebook .  Well wishes for a great day.  Hopes for a fabulous 26th year of life.  I was surprised and pleased with all of the love coming my way from friends and family all over the world.

My morning was full of great big hugs from teeny tiny people.  Love and kisses from the greatest source...my little ones.  Playing with them in the playroom after story time, contributing to my child-like nature as they do everyday.

Birthday wishes and gifts from co-workers and friends.  Birthday songs in both English and Korean.

Lunch was with the usual lunch crew, Sarah and Myles, and Myles delighted both Sarah and I with treating us to lunch.  The afternoon was full of birthday wishes from the elementary school children.  Lots of "I love you's", chocolate, cards, and notebooks.

After work I was joined by a few friends, (Sarah, Myles, Kevin, Megan, Bryan, and Young Hoo) who are also children in big people bodies, for a fabulous Korean meal complete with drinks and gourmet cupcakes from Megan.

Among those beautiful faces was another source of keeping me young at heart.
The sweet Jinu.
The little monkey that hangs from my arm.
The shit slinging kookamunga that instantly brings a smile to my face.

All of these beautiful, unique, and remarkable characters in my life keep me sane.  They bring laughter to my heart.  They bring love to my soul.  They bring life to my being.

So thank you to everyone who contributed to making my date of birth a gorgeous day.
It was truly a beautiful day.

Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 6 of 20

This weekend was another one spent relaxing in Daejeon, running outside whenever the rain stops. It's rainy season in Korea and therefore ridiculously difficult to make plans and expect them to happen, unless it's indoors.

So when plans to spend the weekend on the beach in Busan were cancelled due to a friendly forecast of rain all weekend, Sarah and I decided to do some shopping with baby Jinu and our friend Megan. In the evening we bathed Jinu, played with him, watched So You Think You Can Dance (our favourite show-Jinu imitates the dancers), put him to bed, and then watched a movie with the first baby-free time we had all day.

Sunday we packed a picnic lunch, and head for Sutonggol Valley in Daejeon. It's actually also a part of Gyeryongsan National Park, which meant it was my third or fourth visit to that beautiful park that I'm lucky enough to have in my city. We spent the day playing with Jinu in the river, snacking on delicious pear, cheese, crackers, tuna, and seaweed, drinking strawberry lattes, and enjoying some fresh air. We later cooked some curry and then treated ourselves to some frozen yogurt and 2 hours of free time at one of our favourite coffee shops.

The weekend was full of laughter, love, drinks, stressful moments a la Jinu, relaxing moments a la Jinu, fun, exploration, and friends. I feel strange saying this but I guess that's all part of this project, so I'll just spit it out...I recognized and admitted to myself that I am a good friend. I'm sure there are some that would disagree, but hell I'd likely feel the same about them right!?

There certainly are things that I have learned thus far in my life about friendship that I needed to change and did, and there are things that I am still in the process of altering for the better (namely keeping better contact when living in a far far away land), but I know that despite that I care. I care so much about my friends. Some people have told me I care too much. I cry when they cry. I feel stressed when they are stressed. I help out however I can, to the best of my ability. I am generous of my time, wisdom(or lack thereof), and of myself. I'm a good listener when ears are needed, and I'm a good clown when laughs are needed, and I'm a good mute when silent comfort is needed. I try my best to motivate my friends to reach their goals, support their dreams, and encourage them to know that they can do anything. Of course I'm human and I am so far from a perfect friend, but I'm a good one!

So Week 6: I love that I am a good friend.

Speaking of good friends...it happens to be the 26th Birthday of a very good friend by the name of Mary!

Mary, Sarah and I celebrated your birthday all day! We did a picnic lunch Mary style, played in the river with Jinu as we know you would have, and cheers-ed our green tea lattes in honour of your birthday.

Mary we love you and miss you, and hope you have a glorious 26th year!!

사랑해!!

Love,

Your July birthday sistahs

Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 5 of 20

Legs. They are remarkable. They come in so many different shapes, sizes, colours, abilities.

They all tell different stories.

My legs tell a story of great adventures and misadventures.

They have taken me to new heights.

and new lows.

Through open doors.

and closed ones.

They have carried me to different countries.

and through a half marathon.

My legs allow me to jump and splash in puddles.

and ride bicycles all over the city.

They twist, turn, and bend in every which way.

and help me keep up with my little ones.

They have scars, scrapes, and bruises showing where I've been.

and they inspire me to build dreams of where they'll go.

They glide through water.

Hike up mountains.

Fly through the air.

Descend into valleys.

Climb trees and rocks.

Dance all night.

Play all day.

My legs may not look exactly as I would like them to. They may not even function at the level I want them to. Sometimes I feel pain. My knees aren't good, and my right hip locks often, but they have yet to fail me in reaching a goal, fulfilling a dream.

I love my legs. My legs tell a story. A great one. One that will continue to grow and evolve for as long as my little legs allow me.

And I want to give a HUGE thank you to Sarah for taking the most beautiful pictures she could have given the subject matter ^_^