I was hoping to be able to say I'm back, rejuvenated, relaxed, and ready to conquer all...however I am still exhausted. I had an excellent week off. The perfect mix of relaxation and fun. The first week back to work was stressful, hectic, and a little crazy, therefore I am once again exhausted.
This weekend I wanted to try to alleviate some of that stress and exhaustion so I decided to take a Meaggy weekend. I could have gone to Seoul to visit friends, partied all night in Daejeon, gone hiking in 40 degree weather, but I decided to just take it easy, spend the weekend completely alone, try to remove things from my massive and continually growing to do list, and rejuvenate again.
So here I am. I'm sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Daejeon. On the second floor, offering views of people bustling around below, with a floor to ceiling window. I've just had a waffle for lunch with fruit and gelato. I plan to spend my day like this. Cafe jumping. Escaping the heinous humidity that the Korean summer brings. Reading, writing, taking photos, and applying to grad schools.
This weekend brought something I love about myself to the forefront. I love that I am a strong, independent young woman.
This is not something I have always considered myself. Perhaps because I wasn't always independent, I don't know, but I do know one reason for me not considering this a quality I possessed...people have always labelled me as dependent. I can definitely see why people would see me as such.
The thing I have realized is that so many things that shouldn't be viewed as negative qualities in people often are. Think about the word selfish. Being concerned solely with yourself without regard for others. This of course sounds negative and is in many cases, but why does putting your own wellbeing first label you as selfish in a negative way. When I decided to leave Canada and live in South Korea for a year of course my family wasn't overjoyed at the idea. My family said they needed me, my support, my presence. I said I needed to get away for a while for my own survival. Does this make me selfish? I mean I was concerned mostly with myself, and of course I considered my family's wishes, but I left anyway. So by definition people would likely call me selfish (and have done so), but when does an individuals needs come into play in this equation?
My point in saying that is that people perceive certain qualities as negative, when they ought to be analyzed more thoroughly. This brought me to understand why people might see me as dependent (yet again another negative quality). I am very expressive of my emotions. I tell people when they have hurt me. I show that I'm angry, sad, stressed, happy, excited. I am open about all of my emotions. I'm an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to talk to friends and family about my problems. I cry on shoulders. I vent. And because of all of these things I am seen as weak and dependent on others for emotional support.
I feel as though showing my emotions, expressing myself, and being an open book makes me courageous as opposed to weak. I consider those who never let others in to be more weak than the former. They pretend to be something other then themselves to mask pain, hide emotions. They never ask for help, but rather suffer in silence. They consider themselves strong and independent for this. I'm not about to say that's not true, as there certainly can be strength found in those qualities, but I certainly can't understand why those people see a person with the courage to put it all out there as weak.
The bottom line is that, yes, I like to have people in my life to lean on or cry on when I'm sad or angry, however there have been many instances where that hasn't been the case, and I'm still here right? I'm still alive and kicking. I didn't spontaneously combust from dealing with my emotions on my own. I am perfectly capable of dealing with my emotions without help from others, it just so happens that I am strong enough to admit that if I have the option to have a shoulder from a loved one then I'll take it.
So everyone, I am strong. Strong and courageous. I am independent. And I love those qualities about myself. Whether other people see me as those things or not, I know I am, and I love it!
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