Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 8 of 20

I'm back!

I was hoping to be able to say I'm back, rejuvenated, relaxed, and ready to conquer all...however I am still exhausted.  I had an excellent week off.  The perfect mix of relaxation and fun.  The first week back to work was stressful, hectic, and a little crazy, therefore I am once again exhausted.  

This weekend I wanted to try to alleviate some of that stress and exhaustion so I decided to take a Meaggy weekend.  I could have gone to Seoul to visit friends, partied all night in Daejeon, gone hiking in 40 degree weather, but I decided to just take it easy, spend the weekend completely alone, try to remove things from my massive and continually growing to do list, and rejuvenate again.  

So here I am.  I'm sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Daejeon.  On the second floor, offering views of people bustling around below, with a floor to ceiling window.  I've just had a waffle for lunch with fruit and gelato.  I plan to spend my day like this.  Cafe jumping.  Escaping the heinous humidity that the Korean summer brings.  Reading, writing, taking photos, and applying to grad schools.  

This weekend brought something I love about myself to the forefront.  I love that I am a strong, independent young woman.

This is not something I have always considered myself.  Perhaps because I wasn't always independent, I don't know, but I do know one reason for me not considering this a quality I possessed...people have always labelled me as dependent.  I can definitely see why people would see me as such.  

The thing I have realized is that so many things that shouldn't be viewed as negative qualities in people often are.  Think about the word selfish.  Being concerned solely with yourself without regard for others.  This of course sounds negative and is in many cases, but why does putting your own wellbeing first label you as selfish in a negative way.  When I decided to leave Canada and live in South Korea for a year of course my family wasn't overjoyed at the idea.  My family said they needed me, my support, my presence.  I said I needed to get away for a while for my own survival.  Does this make me selfish?  I mean I was concerned mostly with myself, and of course I considered my family's wishes, but I left anyway.  So by definition people would likely call me selfish (and have done so), but when does an individuals needs come into play in this equation?

My point in saying that is that people perceive certain qualities as negative, when they ought to be analyzed more thoroughly.  This brought me to understand why people might see me as dependent (yet again another negative quality).  I am very expressive of my emotions.  I tell people when they have hurt me.  I show that I'm angry, sad, stressed, happy, excited.  I am open about all of my emotions.  I'm an open book.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I like to talk to friends and family about my problems.  I cry on shoulders.  I vent.  And because of all of these things I am seen as weak and dependent on others for emotional support.  

I feel as though showing my emotions, expressing myself, and being an open book makes me courageous as opposed to weak.  I consider those who never let others in to be more weak than the former.  They pretend to be something other then themselves to mask pain, hide emotions.  They never ask for help, but rather suffer in silence.  They consider themselves strong and independent for this.  I'm not about to say that's not true, as there certainly can be strength found in those qualities, but I certainly can't understand why those people see a person with the courage to put it all out there as weak.  

The bottom line is that, yes, I like to have people in my life to lean on or cry on when I'm sad or angry, however there have been many instances where that hasn't been the case, and I'm still here right?  I'm still alive and kicking.  I didn't spontaneously combust from dealing with my emotions on my own.  I am perfectly capable of dealing with my emotions without help from others, it just so happens that I am strong enough to admit that if I have the option to have a shoulder from a loved one then I'll take it.  

So everyone, I am strong.  Strong and courageous.  I am independent.  And I love those qualities about myself.  Whether other people see me as those things or not, I know I am, and I love it!

Byeonsanbando Revisited: A Letter to Nanny

Last August I visited 변산반도 (Byeonsanbando National Park) with Ben, Mary, and Myles. It was an epic adventure and one that remains one of the fondest memories I have in Korea (the blog post is incomplete...I'm a procrastinator). Since I have such wonderful memories of it I wanted to revisit it this summer for my birthday. My birthday weekend had a heinous forecast consisting of torrential downpour and huge storm, so against my "fuck it let's do it anyway" attitude, I cancelled it. Clearly it didn't rain for more than 2 hours all weekend and it was quite beautiful. Leaving that frustration behind, despite more warnings of rain and thunderstorms some friends and I decided to take the plunge and head there this past weekend.

Megan, Kevin, Yonghoo, and I head out Saturday afternoon by bus for 부안 (Buan), where we caught another bus straight to 격포비치 (Gyeokpo Beach). On our way home on the bus I wrote my monthly letter to my Grandma (Nanny), that sums up the weekend quite nicely so I thought I'd just share that. So here it is:

Nanny,

We are driving past bright green rice fields set against a backdrop of layers upon layers of mountains. The sky is a bright blue interrupted by fluffy white clouds constantly changing shape and moving ever so slowly across the stunning blue canvas. It is almost as if the clouds are admiring the beautiful scenery below, and the mountains reaching up to touch the sky.

I am on a bus heading from 격포비치(Gyeokpo Beach) to 대전(Daejeon-where I live). I have spent the weekend with some wonderful friends playing on the beach and swimming in the ocean. We cooked and ate as many shell fish as our tummies could handle at a restaurant on the beach.

We licked up ice cream as quickly as possible so as to not lose it to the heat. We lit fireworks and drank beers on the beach, enjoying each others company under the night sky. When it began to rain we sought refuge in a 노래방 (singing room). Singing song after song, as loud as possible, until we could no longer muster a sound, well a nice sound anyway.

The next morning after waking up Kevin, and Yonghoo, my friend Megan and I headed for the beach telling the boys to meet us there when they were ready. We swam, etched our names in the sand, and created models of each other from shells, seaweed, and anything else we could find along the shore.

When the boys finally met up with us, they added their names to ours, and made models of each other. We then headed for lunch, 갈국수 (kalguksu-noodles, vegetables, and seafood). Obviously in need of desert we had 팥빙수 (patbingsu-shaved ice, condensed milk, fruit, fruit syrup, ice cream, rice cakes, and beans). It was my first time eating patbingsu, but it shall not be the last, although it sounds like an unlikely mix for a delicious treat, it is delicious and perfectly refreshing on a hot summer day.

We walked through the water and enjoyed the amazing weather for a bit longer, where I burned my legs really badly. Then got on a bus to head home. And here we are on the bus together. You are here with me, enjoying the view.

Love you always,
Meagan MacAshPash

Yonghoo proudly displaying his cooking skills.

Kevin disgusted by some of the shellfish.

Gorgeous sunset.

Sparklers!!!

Kevin getting a little too excited with fireworks in his hand.

Noraebang!!! (karaoke)

Strike a pose...clearly Madonna.

Kev on one of his intense solos.

I made Megan as yellow as I could.

And she made me as white as she could.

Practicing our yoga poses.

Yonghoo made Kevin's model well endowed...yet to be verified.

Patbingsu!

Self-Kindness Sundays: Vacation

I clearly neglected to post anything for week 8, not because I've lost interest, not because I can't find anything else to love about myself, but because my energy and focus was elsewhere.  I simply didn't have the energy to do anything for myself.

This week is my vacation, and let me tell you it's a much needed one.  My nerves are shot, I'm irritable, and  the sticky, thick, wet heat is amplifying my worn out nerves and my irritability, so this vacation couldn't have come at a better time.  I am staying in Korea, to everyone surprise, but my reasoning is that in two months I will be embarking on a 6 months backpacking trip so I need to save my money.  Another reason is that Korea is beautiful and there is still so much I haven't explored here and would like to.  I know I can't do everything and see everything so I chose one group of islands in the south to explore for just a few days with my friend Ashley.  The rest of my week off is going towards cleaning my apartment, packing up things to send home, sleeping, sleeping, and relaxing in air conditioned coffee shops.  This is a blissful plan to me.

So I missed last week (week 8), and I'm going to take this week off as well (week 9).  I'll resume August 8th with week 8...and I didn't even plan the double 8 on purpose!

I will leave you with a beautiful image from the start of my vacation, a weekend away at the beach.

Self-Kindness Sundays: Week 7 of 20

This past weekend was awful.  Just awful.  It started out well, but ended very poorly.  So that's why I am late.  I'm late because I wasn't feeling particularly loving of myself.  All the love and caring in my body was going towards a remarkable friend and woman and a cuddly little monkey child.  When I thought "what do I love about myself?" the only answers that came up were unrelated to me as a person and really just turned into new questions.

Yesterday, however was my birthday.  I'm now OVER a quarter of a century.  It's scary and exciting.  But the best part of my birthday was that it made me realize something that I love about myself.

Some people take their lives very seriously.  Leave little time for their own enjoyment.  Don't allow themselves to stray from their responsibilities, or obligations.  They are hardened by the corporate world and the politics within.  Jaded by the loss of childhood dreams and beliefs.  Grasped far too strongly to the expectations put on them to grow up, mature, be responsible at all costs.

Some people take their lives very lightly.  Leave little time for their responsibilities and only focus on their own enjoyment.  Don't have obligations, or just don't see them as such.  They are oblivious to the corporate world and the harsh politics within.  Jaded by nothing.  Grasped far too strongly to the Peter Pan mantra from their childhood and live in their own personal Never Never Land.

Some people walk along the fence on the border of seriousness and childishness.  Leave a balanced proportion of time for both their own enjoyment and for their responsibilities.  Don't allow themselves to stray too far on either extreme, or allow themselves to do so on occasion.  They are hardened by the corporate world and the sticky politics within, yet seek an escape from it to maintain some semblance of a conflict free zone in their lives.  Jaded by the loss of some childhood dreams, yet remain certain that some will come true, and ultimately work toward their fulfillment.  Grasped far too strongly to the a perhaps unrealistic ideal of equality and peace, to the idea that nice people do finish first, that good actions receive good actions, that everything happens for a reason, the good things WILL come, all in an attempt to stop the inevitable insanity that would grab them if they let themselves admit that these ideals are not consistent, and do tend to be rare for many.

Of course I'm not saying those are the ONLY kinds of people in the world.  There are also lazy people that are neither serious nor childish because they just can't be assed.  There are pessimists and optimists.  There are do-gooders, and martyrs.  The list could be endless really, but for me in my current world, I see people as either too serious, too childish, or a fine balance of the two.  Actually maybe I need to add in also the lazy type as well.

On my birthday, my students sang happy birthday to me.  They gave me hugs and kisses.  They told me they love me.

I realized that I am a good Kinder teacher...and why?...because I'm still a child at heart.  I take my job seriously in terms of making sure I educate them appropriately, impart my knowledge (albeit limited), and they learn what they are meant to learn.  I do however do all of that with a fun-loving nature.  I dance and sing, make silly faces, act like farm animals and draw pictures all over the board until they understand and are laughing.  They love me because they can relate to me, or maybe more appropriately I can relate to them.

I'm trying to teach them that learning can be fun.  Give them a foundation to build upon and grow with.  Provide them with the motivation to learn all they can, and do so with laughter and enjoyment.

So week 7: I love that I am young at heart, a child when I can be...but still responsible and realistic about my obligations as a ...ahem...26 year old. There I said it!

My birthday was a good one.  Throughout the whole day I received messages via facebook .  Well wishes for a great day.  Hopes for a fabulous 26th year of life.  I was surprised and pleased with all of the love coming my way from friends and family all over the world.

My morning was full of great big hugs from teeny tiny people.  Love and kisses from the greatest source...my little ones.  Playing with them in the playroom after story time, contributing to my child-like nature as they do everyday.

Birthday wishes and gifts from co-workers and friends.  Birthday songs in both English and Korean.

Lunch was with the usual lunch crew, Sarah and Myles, and Myles delighted both Sarah and I with treating us to lunch.  The afternoon was full of birthday wishes from the elementary school children.  Lots of "I love you's", chocolate, cards, and notebooks.

After work I was joined by a few friends, (Sarah, Myles, Kevin, Megan, Bryan, and Young Hoo) who are also children in big people bodies, for a fabulous Korean meal complete with drinks and gourmet cupcakes from Megan.

Among those beautiful faces was another source of keeping me young at heart.
The sweet Jinu.
The little monkey that hangs from my arm.
The shit slinging kookamunga that instantly brings a smile to my face.

All of these beautiful, unique, and remarkable characters in my life keep me sane.  They bring laughter to my heart.  They bring love to my soul.  They bring life to my being.

So thank you to everyone who contributed to making my date of birth a gorgeous day.
It was truly a beautiful day.